Dating. Phew, guys. Can you tell I’ve been blogging for 2 years now?? No WAY would I have ever thought to post something this personal/self-analytical when I first started blogging. I swear this is a travel/inspirational blog, but sometimes life events block my creativity and I need to put out my thoughts to move past it.

I have been struggling through the journey that is dating since ending my 6-year relationship in 2014. I have learned so much about myself, the world, and human nature in my dating experiences.

Photo by Mason Strehl

In my early 20s my coping mechanism with any heartbreak became focusing on bettering myself, increasing my independence and becoming “the one that got away.” My ego wants to believe I was successful sometimes, hah.

There have been some positive drawbacks to this (contradictory, I know). When you increase your independence, you no longer need somebody. When you better yourself, you learn to love yourself, thus not requiring validation from love interests to thrive. When you become a better version of yourself, you realize your worth. You become less likely to settle. You begin looking for traits in a significant other that are more than just: has a good job, can change a tire, tells me I’m pretty.

This can make dating exhausting and feel seemingly hopeless. It feels harder to find someone worth your time and energy. You endure countless conversations with uninspired people that simply want someone to distract them from the idea that there is more out there than just contributing to society through a 9:00-5:00.

Photo by Marina Rusinow

Becoming more independent has at times hindered my ability to trust and rely on others. I know I can figure it out on my own, so why rely on someone who could possibly let me down? This has been an issue in a couple short relationships over the last few years. Ultimately, I would very much enjoy being able to count on someone to have my back, but I am still learning that balance.

In the last couple years, I have focused on honesty and communication while dating. I know what I want. I’m not afraid to be alone. I will tell people what I want and that I won’t let them interfere with that.  I am more than willing to compromise if we can grow together towards our goals. The second anyone tries to turn the car around away from my dreams, you best believe we are chatting.

It has been so eye-opening and enlightening at times to learn about people. To learn what drives them. There is such a beauty in the uniqueness of people. (This random sentence probably came from my upbringing where my dad would chime in “now say something nice!”, but I mean it!)

Dating is incredibly different now than during our parents’ and grandparents’ time. Inspiring elderly couples speak about the moment they knew they found their person. Their “moment” always seems to be their first conversation or seeing them around the neighborhood. There wasn’t as much of “the grass is greener” mentality without the existence of dating apps and social media.

I don’t know if that moment of “knowing” still exists for people dating in my generation. Is that moment being lost in a conversation with someone for hours only to have that opportunity disappear the next week? Or maybe texting with someone late into the night about dreams and passions only to have them ghost you the next day and then never speak to you again? Or my personal favorite, having great conversation through texting, making plans to meet up, and then suddenly they cancel the plans and you never hear from them again. Yep.

Photo by Chelsea Miller

I’m not sure when it became cool to disregard another persons’ time, energy, and emotions. I am not saying I haven’t been guilty of this, but my new years resolution 2 years ago was to never again engage in that behavior. Having difficult conversations get easier with practice and it makes you a better person.

I was talking to a friend. We sat across from each other in a diner, binge eating tater tots at midnight. We shared how we were both excited about people we have met for the first time in what seems like an eternity. The emotion we both stated we were feeling: terror. Do you dare open up to someone when there are so many factors you cannot control? Most likely it will end in rejection, pain, disappointment. What if you self-sabotage your opportunity because you are afraid of feeling those things, in turn missing out on something that could have changed your life.

Photo by Marina Rusinow

I have never been one to jump head first into anything requiring me to delve deeper than my carefully-curated-surface-emotions. This takes time and energy that some people may not want to expend (I swear I’m worth it!). I’m finding out this unfortunate wall I’ve created, through self-preservation and coping, is becoming my downfall in creating meaningful relationships. Hearing people tell me “I can’t read you” has become a sad norm. Clearly something I need to work on.

So, I guess this rant started with complaining about dating, and naturally ending in self-improvement homework for me to do.

I’d love to hear your own thoughts/struggles.

-Melissa