Could you smell another rant coming? It would only make sense that I rant about something before posting the rest of my Thailand posts that I already have written up.

Social media keeps pissing me off. Redact; the people on social media are pissing me off.

I have been focusing what little leftover time and energy (physically and emotionally) on harnessing creativity and learning. I have been putting myself out there to the universe over and over trying to figure out what I want to do with my energy that benefits the most people while also making me feel alive and fulfilled. Clearly not what I’m doing in my current 9-5 routine. Ironic, because I work in the health field “helping people.” My heart isn’t in it anymore. I’ll always do a good job and do right by my patients, but my energy is off. I don’t think I can give them the energy they need to help themselves.

I’m not trying to put out “woe is me” vibes, but I’ve always felt that I have had to try hard to gain an inch in a lot of areas of my life. The planets never align for me like they do for some. Opportunities never fall into my lap. I have to chase them. Fight for them. I’ve learned to thrive in that environment. It is exhausting and exhilarating.

(My computer just crashed halfway through this and I had to start all over. Classic.) (Update: my internet crashed while trying to post this)

I used to be negative; cynical. I used to think the world was out to get me. I became very type A and proactive with everything. My friends know me as the planner of the group; the girl who thinks of everything. I need to know all the details so I can intercept any potential hiccups before they happen. I’ve read a handful (box full) of self help books that have really helped me change the way I see my interaction with the world. I have changed my energy towards events/experiences that come my way.

The month I was accepted into grad school I became very ill. I didn’t have health insurance. When my parents helped me pay for some tests to figure out what was going on, they all came back with no answers. It was so frustrating to scrape together money in grad school for a test that yielded nothing to help my situation, while my peers were using their parents credit cards to buy Four Loko and Red Bull.

It forced me to take action. I did my own research. Doctors did nothing for me. They told me my symptoms of severe digestive pain and irritation were psychological. They would prescribe me anti-depressants. No thanks.

This was a hard time for me. I realize now that this is trivial compared to what others go through. This experience taught me so much that I am now GRATEFUL for going through it. I developed so much into who I am now during that time. I grew a pair. I began advocating for myself. This has carried over into every aspect of my life.

photo credit: Laura Fussman

So back to the main point. I have a hard time with people stepping on other people to get somewhere or when people do not have to work for what they have. I’m the oldest child. Life HAS to be fair. Its not fair that its unfair. I realize that it is my human emotion of jealousy. When a girl on Instagram says “well, my friends needed someone pretty for their pictures, and now I travel the world for free”, I cannot help but get jealous, angry. It’s that gross feeling like when you watch ‘Keeping up with the Kardashians’, where you can’t help but feel happy when their life sucks for a second. I hate this about myself. I think everyone feels it. It is hard to admit.

I was on a date last December with a photographer I really admired. His posts were humble, and his content was unique. The passion for what he does was there. It was truly inspiring. When talking to him about how he got there, how he harnessed the drive without the experience; he looked at me and said, “Well you’re pretty, you just need to work that angle more.”

I think because of that conversation I rarely posted of myself. It created a fire in me when he wrote off my ability to create. I am actively trying to become comfortable with putting myself on social media; to own my thoughts and image in a healthy way. I need to EARN success because I worked hard to get there, not because a handful of people will think I’m pretty.

There are some very genuine people on social media that have thousands of people watching them, and it is so refreshing to see them handle it with respect for others. Others are not as respectful, and I hope to never meet them in all honesty. There is so much hate and entitlement on social media.

I wonder at what point it becomes such a competition or that feeling of entitlement becomes so overwhelming that a person will not share a location of a place when asked where they had a great experience. If you are posting to the world about how GREAT your life is and how you see magical places, why deny others the opportunity? If you truly want it to be a place no one else visits, don’t post it for the world to see.

I’m just trying to put myself out there and be as creative as I can with other creatives that inspire me. It should be a supportive community. If I am inspiring people through what I post and assisting them in creating their own best life journey, then I would be crazy happy. Strive to be your best self and just give a damn about others. Please. Thank you.

Rant over.

Photo by Matt Mattox